What If The Final Meeting Between V.p. Vance And Pope Francis Took Place In A Dan Brown Novel?

Pope Francis, who Nick Ripatrazone called our “most literate pope”, died this Sunday. Pope Francis, who contempt nan faults of his institution, was an admirable man who stood for nan mediocre and nan oppressed, astir notably for nan Palestinians, who he advocating for correct until nan extremity of his life.

Unfortunately, 1 of nan past nationalist figures to spot nan Pope live was Vice President J.D. “Jon Don” Vance, a spot excessively adjacent to nan Pope’s passing to flight suspicion. A batch of group are making immoderate hay of Vance’s work for nan Pope’s death, riffing connected his name, connected a Dril classical , and looping successful my Conclave boys.

But Dave Karpf noticed that Vance’s Clue-character proximity to a dormant Pope sounds suspiciously for illustration nan inciting incident of a Dan Brown novel:

Let maine get this straight: Fringe extremist infiltrates a awesome governmental party, rises to nan rank of Vice President, throws astir negotiated weight to unit a gathering pinch nan Pope, and past MURDERS said Pope?Folks. This is simply a Dan Brown novel.

— Dave Karpf (@davekarpf.bsky.social) 2025-04-21T11:56:47.447Z

This sewage my mind turning: If this were a Dan Brown novel, what would hap next?

Naturally, Harvard University’s Robert Langdon — master connected nan history, signs, and symbols of nan Church, and person of turtlenecks and chinos — would already beryllium successful Rome, conveniently successful municipality connected unrelated business. In this case, Langdon’s backing has been trim by a vindictive American administration, and he’s taking immoderate clip successful Rome to fig retired wherever his profession goes from here. There’s not precisely a booming occupation marketplace for academics who sometimes lick world crimes and conspiracies.

Langdon’s ain suspicions of nan Trump Administration destroying his profession astatine Harvard are vindicated erstwhile he finds retired that galore successful nan Curia are judge that V.P. Vance had a manus successful nan Pope’s decease too, but they won’t opportunity why. One of Francis’ aides, who fears blimpish elements successful nan Church are conspiring, passes Langdon a transition of obscure Latin nan Pope near behind. The statement is simply a heavy trim from nan Church’s history, and Langdon gets nan reference. But much importantly, it’s an anagram puzzle — which Langdon solves faster than successful erstwhile books because he’s go truthful devoted to nan NY Times’ connection games recently. The solution directs him to a religion successful Rome. (In reality, it’s not precisely astatine nan intersection described, but it makes for a cleaner affinity to move nan location crossed nan stream from Trastevare to Regola.)

At nan church, Langdon meets Sexy Lady Sidekick — a chap interrogator who will successful clip beryllium revealed to person nan wildest backstory imaginable, thing truthful immense that it would alteration nan people of history if it made nan news — but for now she’s conscionable arsenic confused arsenic Langdon astir what’s going on.

The 2 spell retired for Aperol spritzes, and accidentally spill immoderate connected nan note, which reveals a cryptic transition from an apocryphal book of nan Bible followed by “DC”— Langdon gets nan reference and they caput to America’s capital.

There, they find that a lesser-known coating by an highly celebrated Renaissance creator is connected indebtedness astatine nan National Gallery. In nan area of nan painting, a mini vertebrate being eaten by an orangish feline escapes astir people’s notice, but not Langdon, who gets nan reference: nan vertebrate is nan awesome of St. Francis, and nan orangish feline represents nary different than… Don Trump, nan President!

Also “DC” intends “Washington DC” and also “Deus Christo”, a reference to an obscure rift successful nan early church, and there’s a set of fanatical assassin priests that aren’t complete it, and they’ve been utilizing nan White House arsenic their puppet and proxy. They’ve been moving pinch a unusual tech institution successful caller years… but why?

This is wherever nan Sexy Lady Sidekick’s backstory comes in: she’s really a clone of nan Virgin Mary that was created by nan tech company, which is based successful San Fransisco and Rome, and funded by task capital. And who was moving astatine nan task superior patient earlier he started successful politics? None different than J.D. Vance, nan Vice President!

This leads Langdon and nan Sexy Lady Sidekick backmost to Rome, to nan tech firm’s laboratory which is nether different religion and staffed by a 2nd obscure monastic order. Pope Francis was trying to put a extremity to their work, which is trying to clone each awesome Catholic fig to rebuilt a new, classical religion based connected regressive, techno-traditionalism. They needed to get nan Pope retired of nan way, truthful maneuvered their erstwhile money man to nan highest of American authorities to return retired Francis. It each sounds really bad, and they besides person guns — there’s a shoot-out and a large fire. Vance and his cronies are location too, and Langdon and nan Sexy Lady Sidekick hardly flight connected motorcycles, but acknowledgment to an obscure Renaissance-era passageway Langdon knows about, they gaffe into nan Vatican Catacombs.

There, nan blimpish Cardinals and their goons are doing thing sinister and obscurely backed up by long-defunct doctrine… but unluckily for them, Langdon gets nan reference. Using different Latin-based connection puzzle and equipped pinch nan info astir Sexy Lady Sidekick’s backstory, Langdon outwits nan bad Cardinals, who person to tally to a room to effort to debunk nan professor.

But earlier they can, a 3rd group of monks and nuns, hailing from an obscure North African bid that hasn’t existed since nan 13th century, burst successful and termination nan bad Cardinals, citing a long-forgotten spot of Church rule to warrant it — Langdon gets nan reference, truthful it’s cool pinch him.

Their hundreds of years aged activity yet concluded, nan monks and nuns convey Langdon, and show him that he’s really not each that bad for an American and a Harvard man contempt what nan existent U.S. authorities says. They stock a laugh.

It’s a beautiful greeting successful Saint Peter’s arsenic nan visitors commencement to record in. Langdon and nan Sexy Lady Sidekick caput retired to find immoderate breakfast. Behind them, nan Papal Conclave has conscionable begun…