Simple, Not Shallow: In Praise Of Seemingly Surface Friendships

My first book nine was a New Year’s solution I made erstwhile I was twenty-three, a solution for years I bragged I’d really seen to fruition. I didn’t cognize really to meet group aliases make friends aft assemblage graduation, but I knew pinch Jordan successful rule school, I’d request company. I had made 1 friend done work—that’s each it takes, conscionable one—so erstwhile I group nan extremity successful January to motorboat a book club, I asked her to subordinate me. We tasked ourselves pinch inviting a fistful of acquaintances from our respective churches and workplaces and neighborhoods, and it was for illustration that shot movie men emotion truthful much; we built it, and group came.

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I can’t retrieve nan first book we publication (just kidding; I looked it up, and it was, I americium sorry to say, The Shack), but I cognize that first group we brought together ne'er again had nan aforesaid configuration. Women came and went each nan time; I can’t callback immoderate of their names, cannot statesman to image each of their faces. Over our years of meeting, a halfway group of women yet emerged, and a fewer of those became what I’d see lifelong friends. We’ve stayed successful touch crossed various moves and clip zones, and though we still stock book recommendations backmost and forth, our friendships person evolved into truthful overmuch more. For truthful long, I thought that was nan lasting bequest of my Tallahassee book club: I really did meet and make immoderate of my very champion friends done our monthly conversations.

But nan older I get and nan further removed I americium from that original book club, nan much I wonderment if its superior semipermanent effect was really a life instruction astir hospitality and lowering expectations, nan life-altering realization that aboveground relationships—relationships I erstwhile deemed shallow aliases unimportant—are nan worldly of life. Settling for seemingly shallow relationships mightiness beryllium what saves us.

In different words, what if we conscionable fto book nine beryllium book club?

Even if you’re nan world sort, book clubs should beryllium a comparatively low-stakes enterprise. Part of nan logic women felt comfortable swimming successful and retired of nan waters of our book nine meetings was because arsenic agelong arsenic you’d publication nan book—or portion of it, aliases a synopsis online—you could lend to nan conversation. Book clubs supply a debased constituent of entry. You don’t request to beryllium an master aliases an extrovert, nan astir well-spoken aliases nan astir intellectual. You tin conscionable beryllium and eat nan snacks if you want. (Book clubs should ever person snacks.) There’s a constituent of commonality, and it has thing to do pinch wherever you’re from aliases what your grade is successful aliases wherever you went to schoolhouse aliases whether you’re joined aliases person children. It’s just: Did you publication nan book? Why aliases why not? Did you for illustration nan book? Why aliases why not?

It’s truthful easy to overcomplicate relationships and nan effort they require. Book nine simplifies each of it. When I moved to Thomasville, it took maine months to fto spell of my aged book group. I loved those women, moreover arsenic nan group had shape-shifted and changed into thing caller and different. When location were much unfamiliar faces successful nan room than familiar, I knew it was clip to works my roots successful my caller community, and aft surviving successful Thomasville for astir a year, I started a caller book nine successful my caller town. I’m not judge if immoderate of nan women who were astatine that first gathering are successful nan group today; that’s really overmuch a group tin displacement and alteration complete nan years.

I remember, though, that aft months of trying to beryllium myself successful this caller place, I was relieved to conscionable beryllium and talk astir a communal text; I didn’t person to stock astir wherever I’d travel from aliases who I’d been. I didn’t really person to talk astir The Bookshelf aliases why we’d moved. I conscionable had to talk astir ideas, characters, plotlines. That, I thought, I could do. No vulnerability hangover required.

It’s true: I’ve met my champion friends done book club. I deliberation it’s partially conscionable nan regularity of it; aft gathering period aft period for years, it’s imaginable to yet shape bonds beyond nan literary. In Tallahassee, those women came together for babe and bridal showers, goodbye dinners and support groups. Book club, I erstwhile told Jordan, felt for illustration what I imagined religion could be, a group of very different group from very different backgrounds and pinch very different interests and worldviews gathering successful people’s homes, swapping silly stories, and sharing successful engagements and surgery dates and favourite movies and promotions and pets.

But it’s besides conscionable measurement little stakes than that. Again, location were women successful my book nine whose names I can’t remember. I couldn’t sanction for you without looking astatine a spreadsheet (naturally, location is simply a spreadsheet) of each nan books we read.

Some months successful book club, yes, we study astir a friend’s breakup aliases we rejoice successful nan news of a caller babe aliases a caller matrimony aliases a caller job, but astir of nan clip it’s sitting and talking astir a book, and that’s it. I leave, and I don’t consciousness heavy aliases sentimental astir it. It’s conscionable thing I do, and that’s nan point.

I am, possibly you’ve noticed, a “best friend” benignant of girl. I emotion staying and nestling heavy into relationships, long-term. I person ever felt astir made for in-depth, years-long friendship; I mate for life, and I pridefulness myself connected it.

But monthly book nine meetings person made maine a amended acquaintance. I’m amended astatine mini talk now, and moreover though I still get very sweaty astatine cocktail parties, if I’m seated adjacent to you astatine immoderate random meal usability aliases another, I’m astir apt amended institution than most. I didn’t utilized to be. I really deliberation book nine taught maine how.

Life isn’t ever decades-long friendships aliases midnight heart-to- hearts. A batch of life is conscionable showing up, offering a grin aliases a speedy wave, possibly conscionable checking successful for a infinitesimal aliases two. A batch of life is shallow.

I erstwhile recovered myself successful conversation—at book club, I think—with a female I hardly knew. I had conscionable moved to Thomasville and was asking really she suggested gathering people. “I do play Bunco games successful my neighborhood,” she told me. “It’s not for illustration those women are needfully going to go my champion friends. But now I tin activity and inquire astir their kids. It’s nice.”

This is wherever I’ve ever struggled. Maybe it’s my characteristic aliases my almanac aliases really I group boundaries aliases what I’m consenting to do pinch my time. But this facet of relationship and organization is wherever I person ever had nan astir difficulty. I americium not bully pinch surface-level relationships.

In Better Than Before, writer and podcaster Gretchen Rubin asks if we’re openers aliases finishers; are we amended astatine starting caller things aliases wrapping things up? Jordan instantly identified maine arsenic a finisher, and it’s true. I americium awesome astatine finishing things. I meet deadlines; I conquer my goals. Give maine a task, and I will spot it through. I americium a finisher.

But life requires a batch of opening. And I americium not truthful bully pinch nan opening, nan starting of thing new.

Rubin whitethorn not person meant for her questions to use to relationships, but I deliberation nan rule of opening versus closing is apt erstwhile we’re talking astir friendships successful adulthood.

I person respective friends who are awesome astatine gathering caller people. They are comfortable inviting strangers into their homes; they are assured successful speech and adept astatine networking and mini talk. They group group astatine easiness and cognize really to beryllium hospitable successful their hearts and successful their homes.

Those are things I go fantabulous at, pinch time. I person nan imaginable to beryllium a awesome friend. But I americium not ever a bully acquaintance.

When I started my Thomasville book club, I told myself I wouldn’t person precocious expectations, but I secretly hoped I’d meet a mates of kindred spirits, bosom friends, lifelong companions. The organization I’d dreamed of would commencement building itself.

That is simply a batch of unit to put connected immoderate 1 personification aliases group, and I deliberation my early years successful Thomasville suffered from that pressure. I kept expecting my book nine and immoderate random women’s group I’d joined to time off maine pinch my caller ride-or-dies, and I was perpetually disappointed. It was truthful overmuch much enjoyable to yet let book nine to beryllium what it really is: a nosy monthly gathering of a group of group who talk astir books. Period.

The female who plays Bunco? She told maine she had trouble forming adjacent friendships, but dissimilar me, she ne'er seemed to mind. She’s sewage Bunco. Book club. Maybe a mini group done her church. Those relationships thin to beryllium aboveground level by her admission, but they person nan imaginable to turn into thing more. And if they don’t? They still count. She knows their names, their stories, tin activity and sojourn and interact comfortably.

Surface, I person learned, mightiness beryllium okay. It mightiness moreover beryllium enough. It mightiness beryllium each location is.

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Excerpted from Ordinary Time: Lessons Learned While Staying Put by Annie B. Jones. Reprinted pinch nan support of nan publisher HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins. Copyright © 2025 by Annie B. Jones.