How I Survived The Toxic Cult Of America’s Next Top Model

Before boarding nan cruise vessel SS Adventure, wherever thirty-three America’s Next Top Model hopefuls would beryllium whittled down to thirteen, nan statement nan show had sent maine seemed huge. There were hundreds of pages of legalese that I hardly understood. But by nan clip we docked successful Saint Martin, it felt for illustration an albatross.

Article continues aft advertisement

A fewer days in, nan radiance had worn disconnected a little, and nan show started to consciousness for illustration a cult, from nan undisclosed filming locations successful world waters to not being allowed to speak for days astatine a time. The connection that they hammered into america complete and complete again urged america to beryllium grateful for this opportunity. And nan reality is… it was a cult. I sewage suckered into a cult.

Negotiating ne'er moreover occurred to me. But if it had, each nan lawyers I interviewed for this book agreed: It’s not an option. Either you motion aliases you don’t. You’re successful aliases you’re out. “You are not going to get power complete really you are represented” nether immoderate circumstances, said 1 lawyer. And yet we each signed it. I didn’t attraction really I was represented arsenic agelong arsenic I was represented connected TV.

*

Early successful nan greeting connected our first afloat time aboard nan cruise ship, we were led into immoderate benignant of convention room and told to hold for 5 minutes, which turned into hours. The room was edifice fancy: a batch of shiny clone wood paneling and inoffensive carpeting. It was a stark ocular opposition to our tropical cruise wear: jean shorts, espadrilles, and spaghetti strap vessel tops. We shivered successful nan harsh air-conditioning.

There weren’t capable chairs, truthful immoderate of america sat connected nan ground. We started upright and alert, trying to blend into nan professional-looking background, but arsenic nan minutes dragged on, we slow drooped and slouched toward nan crushed for illustration neglected houseplants.

I didn’t attraction really I was represented arsenic agelong arsenic I was represented connected TV.

Finally, a squad of mostly men and a fewer women barged done nan door. Their suits and aggravated businesslike power sliced done nan air. They were for illustration vaguely firm alien invaders to our lush, listless planet.

They introduced themselves, but I couldn’t prime immoderate of them retired of a lineup. They were conscionable so…grown up, and I felt for illustration a kid sitting crisscross applesauce connected nan crushed and staring up astatine them, patiently and nervously waiting. There were lawyers from nan accumulation institution and executive producers. They were nan apical of nan accumulation pecking order; everyone other successful nan unit deferred to them.

They began a group position that was intelligibly good rehearsed. One would speak and past seamlessly cede nan level to another. After all, we were Cycle 9. They’d had 8 different audiences to hone these performances pinch and really find nan champion measurement to waste it. It felt repetitive to nan constituent of tedium to me, but they ne'er wavered.

“America’s Next Top Model is sitting wrong this room,” they said. “Really deliberation astir that. Look around. This is your competition. You are nan prime few. Does anyone cognize really galore girls tried retired for this show?”

We each shook our heads. They each smiled.

“A lot. Thousands upon thousands. Ten 1000 tried retired successful Boston alone.”

I looked astatine nan fewer different girls whom I recognized from nan Boston tryouts pinch wide eyes.

And it wasn’t conscionable nan auditions. Thousands upon thousands sent successful audition tapes from each complete nan country. Every azygous state. We had casting scouts each complete looking for candidates. And you guys are nan ones who made it. You’re here. And it’s not conscionable your looks. You each cognize that being a apical exemplary is much than that. It’s who you are. And 1 of you…is America’s Next Top Model. This is simply a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

They kept going. And going. I was uncomfortable pinch this level of flattery. In Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism, Amanda Montell describes this maneuver utilized by cult leaders: “When you person personification that they’re supra everyone else, it helps you some region them from outsiders and besides maltreatment them, because you tin overgarment thing from beingness battle to unpaid labour to verbal attacks arsenic ‘special treatment’ reserved only for them.”

On nan 1 hand, I desperately wanted to consciousness special. I was 1 of nan prime few!

On nan different hand, this full process had felt truthful random, it had ne'er erstwhile felt for illustration I was really doing thing peculiarly special.

“This acquisition tin only beryllium what you make of it,” they said, for nan first clip of many.

Suddenly their tones and demeanor shifted. They had been superior and kind, and now location was thing other successful nan air. One of them stepped retired from nan statement they’d been in.

“That accusation is worthy much than you know. If you do thing to put that accusation astatine risk, we will writer you for 5 cardinal dollars.” He paused for effect. The NDA conception of nan statement carried, famously, a good of 5 cardinal dollars if violated, arsenic Janice Dickinson erstwhile bemoaned successful a red-carpet interview.

A gorgeous, long-limbed bartender from Boston pinch a lazy oculus and an accent truthful heavy I wanted to trim into it for illustration it was a rib oculus collapsed nan silence. “Yeah, but, like….I don’t person 5 cardinal dollahs.”

“We cognize you don’t. We cognize each astir each of your financial information. None of you person 5 cardinal dollars. None of your families person 5 cardinal dollars either.”

We looked astir astatine 1 different arsenic we each realized that, yes, of course, that was true. We’d fixed them elaborate accounts of our individual financial accusation arsenic good arsenic our families’ earlier we’d moreover received our level tickets.

“What you request to understand is we won’t conscionable writer you. We’ll writer your full family. And I don’t conscionable mean your parents. We’ll writer your kids….”

Boston opened her rima to opportunity something, presumably that she didn’t person immoderate kids, that nary of america did.

“…by which I mean your early kids. We’ll writer your children, we’ll writer your children’s children, we’ll writer your children’s children’s children.” I swallowed nan lump successful my throat. How would that moreover work? I wondered. “Sorry, but…how would that moreover work?” a woman asked, and I was truthful relieved. “Great question,” said nan shaper sincerely.

Here’s really it would work: we would writer you and win. And nan judge will determine really overmuch we get to dock your salary for nan remainder of your life. For nan remainder of your life, each dollar you earn, we will get a cut. We will garnishee your wages for nan remainder of your life. And aft you die, we’ll get a percent of each dollar your children earn, and their children, and connected and on, until we get 5 cardinal dollars positive interest. If you opportunity thing to anyone, you will beryllium paying america backmost agelong aft you are dead. You will ne'er execute immoderate level of occurrence without america taking a immense chunk of it. Buying a house, putting your kids done college, finishing assemblage yourself—all of that will beryllium impossible.

Kids and a location felt impossibly retired of scope already. And nan gathering conscionable kept going: hours of them hammering nan aforesaid constituent complete and over. I desperately wanted them to cognize that I would beryllium 1 of nan “good ones” who would do what she was told and wouldn’t origin them immoderate trouble.

But I knew that location was nary measurement to make them spot that. There was nary measurement to make them spot maine astatine all. They weren’t performing for us; they were performing for nan statement and for nan money that it guaranteed them. They were performing for nan committedness of bully TV. And dissimilar my hypothetical kids and house, it wasn’t retired of reach. They knew what they wanted and precisely really to get it.

“There’s a cardinal girls that would happily return your place,” they kept saying. “And we person their telephone numbers. They’re fresh and consenting to meet america connected nan adjacent island.”

That nighttime astatine dinner, I sat pushing nan nutrient astir connected my plate, still stunned into silence. As a kid, I was painfully shy. Every study paper I brought location from simple schoolhouse said that I was smart and tin but ne'er said up successful class. I had 1 friend, which I thought was much than enough.

The Very Scary Producers and Lawyers gave america nan Talk AGAIN successful which we were threatened pinch defamation, disembowelment, and decease if we breathed a peep of thing to anyone.

After years of badgering maine to induce group to my day parties, my mom yet asked maine what I really wanted to do. I told her I wanted to walk nan nighttime astatine a hotel. So she sewage america a room astatine nan section Motel 6 for nan night. I swam successful nan excavation for hours; we ate barroom successful furniture and watched each nan late-night talk shows. I loved seeing nan comedians do stand-up. It was my favourite day ever.

In 5th grade, I discovered that I could do much than conscionable watch drama connected late-night shows: I could usage it to flooded my crippling societal anxiety. I slow came retired of my shell. Making group laughter was nan only measurement I really knew really to link pinch people, but aft nan speech that day, I didn’t consciousness very funny. So I reverted to my puerility self: Shy. Silent.

That’s why Ebony and I were cleanable cruise vessel roommates: we were some introverts who could clone it erstwhile we had to. When I met Ebony, my first thought was: She’s going to win. In a group of nan astir beautiful girls I’d ever seen, she stood retired caput and shoulders supra nan rest. Literally: she was complete six feet gangly and wore her hairsbreadth successful a big, messy bun connected apical of her caput that made her moreover taller.

When we first sewage to our room, she seemed shy, sweet, guarded, and profoundly insecure. Then we went to dinner, and I watched her go a different personification for nan camera.

“I didn’t travel present to make friends,” she said successful nan van. “I’ll commencement remembering y’all’s names erstwhile we make it to nan house.”

But successful our room, she was different.

“I want to beryllium smart astir this. I’m trying to be, like, nan bitch aliases whatever, but it’s harder than I thought,” she told me.

Oftentimes, we wouldn’t talk overmuch successful nan room: we some needed quiet and abstraction (at slightest arsenic overmuch quiet and abstraction arsenic imaginable successful a forty-eight-square-foot room). That night, we said moreover little than usual.

“That was…pretty crazy,” I said.

“Dinner?” she asked.

“No, nan talk astir nan contract,” I answered.

“Shit, yeah! That was crazy! I didn’t cognize really to enactment astatine meal aft each that.”

“Oh my god, maine too!” I said, relieved again. “I didn’t moreover cognize really to beryllium a normal person!”

We agreed that it was chaotic and measurement excessively agelong and we were gladsome it was over. None of america were going to beryllium forgetting immoderate of that anytime soon—surely that was nan extremity of it.

The Very Scary Producers and Lawyers gave america nan Talk AGAIN successful which we were threatened pinch defamation, disembowelment, and decease if we breathed a peep of thing to anyone. They are, fto maine say, not astatine each fucking around, and I FUCKING GET IT, I wrote successful my diary respective long, repetitive days later.

Over and over, we heard that “America’s Next Top Model is successful this room,” “this is simply a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,” “this acquisition is only what you make of it,” and “we will garnishee your wages for nan remainder of your life.” These phrases started rattling astir successful my mind, for illustration a opus that gets stuck successful your head.

Of course, it wasn’t conscionable our contracts that we were dealing with; location was besides nan woody betwixt nan cruise statement and nan network, and, connected that front, location was immoderate tension. Specifically, betwixt nan show and nan passengers, who hated us.

One day, we were divided into 3 groups and led to a portion of nan vessel we’d ne'er been to before. One group was taken to nan climbing wall, 1 to nan skating rink, and my group was brought to nan basking tub. A accumulation adjunct arranged america astir nan basking tub, immoderate girls sitting pinch conscionable their feet successful nan water, and a fewer of us, including me, sitting successful nan water. I was successful nan middle, submerged almost to my neck.

“I dream we tin spell successful nan excavation aft this,” I said, slow cooking successful nan water.

“No talking yet,” said 1 of nan cameramen.

“Sorry,” I said. “Oh, and sorry for saying sorry. Fuck.”

Eventually, they sewage nan angles and lighting correct and called action, and we were allowed to talk. Allowed to talk and contractually obligated to look for illustration we were having nan clip of our lives.

______________________________

From nan book You Wanna Be On Top?: A Memoir of Makeovers, Manipulation, and Not Becoming America’s Next Top Model by Sarah Hartshorne. Copyright © 2025 by Sarah Hartshorne. Published successful nan United States by Crown, an imprint of nan Crown Publishing Group, a section of Penguin Random House LLC.