“every Forest, Every Film”

When I still lived successful nan city, I worked arsenic a movie professional for a poorly distributed, religiously publication mag and had gained a estimation for being overly critical. Hating everything was my full personality, different reviewer wrote connected their blog. I lived successful a one-room flat wherever for a creation logic that remained unclear nan toilet was successful nan mediate of nan surviving room. When a impermanent utilized it, I’d measurement onto nan occurrence flight and perceive to cars zing by. New York was thrilling and costly and I spent astir of each time emotion successful for staying alive.

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One morning, successful what would move retired to beryllium my past period there, I awoke to a sound connection from my father. He had sent a package and wanted to cognize if I’d received it. His usually calm sound was strained and he did not specify what nan package contained. Let maine know. Received. It must beryllium important, I thought. Throughout nan time I checked connected breaks from penning a reappraisal astir a caller movie that was highly touted for its usage of idiosyncratic lighting (“clever but self-congratulatory”) but could not emergence supra its lackluster performances (“stiff pinch self-regard”).

My begetter did not reply his telephone and nary package arrived. Late successful nan afternoon, I made spaghetti pinch packet pesto, keeping nan windows unfastened truthful I could perceive a precocious delivery. On nan radio, pundits debated a projected arms package. Planes flew overhead, filled pinch packages. Everything was a package.

The telephone rang. I hoped it was my begetter but it was different reviewer calling to spot if I’d screen for her that night. She was expected to spot a show adjacent nan Navy Yard, successful 1 of nan yawning expanses of lots, barbed wire, and distribution centers. I mostly reviewed screeners and streaming tv but she said this 1 had to beryllium successful person.

The portion was called The Cab. Her reside implied that I should cognize what it was and beryllium grateful for nan opportunity.

“If this movie is truthful great, why aren’t you taking it?”

“Show,” she said. “Not film. You really haven’t heard astir it, Milletti? Have you been retired of nan country?” She was nan benignant of personification who treated personification poorly while asking for a favor. I admired her to nan constituent of nausea. I loved that she utilized my past name. Most group did; discreet groups from my life who didn’t cognize 1 another; friends from precocious school, coworkers. I person a benignant of look aliases measurement of opinionated aliases speaking: People instantly considered maine a teammate.

I told her I was arsenic adjacent arsenic 1 could get to being retired of nan state while being afloat astatine home. I’d been successful furniture for nan erstwhile fewer days. She took it to mean I’d been having sex.

“Okay, girl, I spot you.” She sounded impressed. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

She laughed arsenic if I was being coy. “I spot you.”

One much point astir this person: Her sanction was Jude Law. Like nan actor. That’s not significant, it’s conscionable a detail. Meaning it’s conscionable arsenic important arsenic thing else.

I’d been bedbound because I’d seen a photograph online of my ex astatine a wedding. He was wearing sunglasses and sitting adjacent to a female pinch an elegant neck. I thought astir nan image erstwhile I soaped myself up successful nan ablution past walked to nan nutrient shop wherever I debated what benignant of mushrooms would support their integrity successful nan wok. I couldn’t retrieve if he was wearing glasses and whether his hairsbreadth was agelong aliases short truthful I looked astatine nan photograph again, and again was impressed by really small I cared truthful I crawled into furniture and thought astir nan measurement his beard glimmered because moreover nan sun favored him. The photograph wore connected maine nan measurement a stream pummels stones.

I told Jude Law I’d return nan job, anticipating gratitude but she said nan tickets would beryllium near astatine nan antagonistic and hung up.

The show took spot successful a storage that had been converted into a theater. After navigating a bid of trains, I arrived sweating, gasping, and furious pinch myself that I had ne'er strong-armed anyone into doing my occupation while acting aggravated. The warehouse, strung pinch purple lanterns, seems for illustration a elephantine reproachful insect. There was nary movie signage, yet a statement of group stood outside. My curiosity clicked on. At that time, I was susceptible to a desire to beryllium successful connected things.

Inside was a amazingly new-looking lobby, awash successful carpet. Even nan antagonistic was carpeted. It reminded maine of nan roller-skating rink from my youth. The bumpers and walls and tables were webbed successful plush truthful nary 1 would get wounded if they fell. It made maine sad to deliberation about. In nan wintertime of sixth grade, I skated unsocial to Whitney Houston’s “So Emotional,” reasoning sad thoughts erstwhile my father, who’d arrived early to prime maine up and had been watching from nan side, yelled, “Hurry it up, Milletti, I’m not getting immoderate younger!”

Even my father, who shared it and had fixed it to me, called maine by my past name.

There was a mix-up pinch my ticket. Jude Law hadn’t spoken to nan correct personification aliases they’d misplaced it. This seemed to require respective clerks to subordinate nan original clerk to hunt and talk. I near them arguing and went to nan bathroom, lit by much purple lanterns. A female opinionated adjacent nan doorway handed maine a insubstantial towel and erstwhile I thanked her, said, “I don’t activity here.” She wore a vest buttoned complete a turtleneck and official-looking joggers.

A matter from my begetter read: did nan package arrive?

I texted back: americium astatine activity will cheque erstwhile one get home.

He texted a bid of emojis that signified being grateful, successful love, and horrified.

At nan antagonistic much clerks had joined nan hunt for my ticket. One who seemed to bid respect from nan others announced, “This transaction was improperly handled from nan start.”

The original clerk looked panicked. My sympathy for workers battled my desire to spell successful and beryllium down. Finally, nan respected clerk asked if it would beryllium okay if I waited a fewer minutes. I told her that was fine, confused arsenic to why it had taken truthful agelong to fig retired erstwhile nan reply had been a elemental matter of a short delay.

I asked really nan reception to nan show had been truthful far.

“This is nan first night,” nan original clerk said arsenic nan respected clerk said, “This is nan only night.”

This did not lucifer Jude Law’s cognition of amazed condescension upon my admittance that I hadn’t heard of this show. The matter settled, I took my summons to a curtained wall and an usher emerged and said she would lead maine to my cab. It was nan vested female from nan bathroom.

“I thought you said you didn’t activity here.”

“I said I didn’t activity there,” she said, pointing toward nan bathrooms.

She held backmost a conception of curtain and I passed into a country-dark vacuous abstraction that felt mammoth. The stark opposition of moving from nan lobby to this abstraction made maine region to cod my bearings. I sensed ample structures hulking successful nan acheronian and group milling about. My eyes adjusted and I realized they were cabs, larger than immoderate I’d seen, pinch a fewer rows of seats inside. The statement of them seemed to widen for miles.

“What benignant of instrumentality is this?” I asked nan woman.

She did not reply but guided maine to her vehicle, which had an tremendous windshield that shone successful errant light. Smaller, diamond-shaped portholes dotted nan sides. She slid unfastened nan wide door, startling a mates inside, who gathered their belongings. The driver allowed them to walk past gestured for maine to return a seat. I chose nan backmost row. I liked to person a buffering region betwixt maine and immoderate I was considering. The driver closed nan doorway and lights went up wrong nan conveyance arsenic if it were a theater. She took her spot up front. A partition betwixt america ascended arsenic she arranged her legs astir nan steering wheel. I peered retired 1 of nan portholes, obscured by metropolis muck, but could nary longer spot nan warehouse. The “cab” lurched forward. The sensation of activity was uncanny. Through nan windshield, I could spot we were driving done a metropolis I didn’t recognize. The Eiffel Tower. The Space Needle. Paris and Seattle? Explosions fireworked complete nan horizon. We passed a ample powerfulness works I strained to spot done nan windows.

My beat quickened. Important, astonishing useful were rare. “This is very realistic!” I called up to her. She pointed to her ears and shook her head.

She turned onto a roadworthy that spiraled up a steep hill. The switchbacks were constrictive but I remembered a communicative astir really autobus drivers successful nan Andes mountains knew their roads arsenic if nan routes were imprinted successful their bodies. I glimpsed crisp cliffs and reminded myself we were still wrong a theater. As if to trial my conviction, nan cab skittered connected a spot of loose gravel. She pumped nan brake arsenic nan backmost instrumentality flirted pinch nan treacherous drop-off. I made a sound of shock, an “awl” triggered by existent fear. The illusion was whole, nan driver did a masterful occupation of feigning this momentary lapse of control. The cab halted and we took a fewer agelong breaths. A hawk screeched supra nan cab, its telephone bouncing disconnected nan immense abstraction of a canyon. The driver pressed nan accelerator and we moved astir nan curve.

We traveled nan roadworthy for respective minutes arsenic I attempted to fig retired our destination. Authentic-feeling godforsaken aerial crept into nan cab. I shook disconnected my sweater, my backmost dotted pinch sweat.

We passed a roadside bodega. A man sat outside, smoking. I made a motion of salutation to him that he, impossibly, returned. Every truthful often nan driver pulled disconnected to nan broadside truthful different “cab” could pass. I couldn’t deduce really they were executing nan lighting, timing, and movement.

“When does nan show start?”

She sped toward different crisp curve astatine nan extremity of nan road. The velocity pressed maine into my seat, halted my breath. She accelerated. I assumed she’d slow astatine nan past infinitesimal successful nan master measurement years of acquisition had taught her. Instead, she barreled faster toward it. We could not make it around. I cried out.

We launched complete nan ledge. My tummy lifted. I clutched nan limb of nan seat, anticipating nan drop. But alternatively of falling we hovered supra a vale of terra-cotta homes pinch lush, analyzable gardens. The buoyancy of abrupt elevation dispersed done my tummy arsenic we climbed. My ears popped arsenic we flew complete nan valley. I had ne'er seen homes arsenic gentle and singular, for illustration those I’d publication astir successful puerility imagination novels. Owls and turquoise doors and wildflower gardens. Cottages tucked into hollows, laden pinch moss. A female wearing a reddish dress knelt successful nan mediate of a section of cabbages truthful patient they seemed sentient. Complex and green. Happiness, I thought, swiping a tear from my cheek. But why would this punctual emotion?

We flew toward an expanse of navy mountains outlined successful nan dying sun. Their acheronian grew arsenic we approached. Homes blinked passim nan foothills, cars snaked up mini roads. My driver accelerated. Trees and much homes successful nan ridges. We were adjacent capable to spot a lean, muscled woman opinionated successful a driveway. She waved america away, we were excessively close. Her sound reached america successful nan cab. “Go back,” she called. Again, my assemblage reacted arsenic if we were going to crash. I yelled, “No!” And, “Hey!” The cabbie ignored me. I covered my eyes. Trees filled nan ridges and we slammed against nan side.

At impact, nan lights came up. The walls of nan conveyance had vanished. I recovered myself successful a room of seating arrangements being parented by their ain drivers, dressed likewise successful vests and joggers, though nan cabs were gone. Dazed assemblage members gathered their belongings. Others arrived. I realized I was successful nan mediate of a building that had galore beginnings. But that wasn’t nan full of it. When group arrived, nan cab cars sprang up astir them and flew away. I could spot landscapes done nan departing windshields that were different from nan 1 I’d traveled through. Forests, tropical islands, cityscapes. But this would connote infinite shows. Did nan drivers person a way aliases was it a astonishment for them too? The sensation of hitting nan upland coursed done my body. I was only opening to understand what I had experienced.

I near my section, recovered nan curtained wall, and stumbled crossed nan lobby. Disoriented, I tripped connected a fold successful nan carpet and landed connected my knees. The contents of my purse spilled crossed nan floor. Hair ties, coins, and citrus chews launched distant from maine pinch force, arsenic if fleeing. I hadn’t realized really galore items I’d been carrying. A female stepped astir nan items arsenic if I had vomited. I attempted to stitchery nan mess, but items evaded my wide reach. I embraced nan crushed again and again. A group of formally dressed men approached and asked really overmuch definite items were. They held up my tampons, day book, nan banana I carried successful lawsuit personification went into diabetic shock, nan bookmark my ex gave me, my glasses case.

“They’re not for sale.” I shooed them, symptom blooming successful my forehead. Something astir nan show had dug a nail into me. I didn’t want to interact. I wanted to spell location and get backmost into furniture and aft taking 5 trains that’s what I did. No package had travel while I’d been out. I texted my begetter nan package grounded to show, which felt appropriately dramatic.

In uneasy dreams a package waited for maine to arrive. I was connected my way, but I was late.

At sunrise, I did not enactment successful furniture for illustration I had each different morning. I took nan stairs to nan sidewalk and walked into nan mediate of nan street. Even New York City is quiet and carless astatine 7:00 a.m. I turned to nan eastbound arsenic if it mightiness output a courier. I turned to nan west.

Inside, my telephone was ringing. It was my father.

“Never mind,” he said. “Your mother ne'er took it to nan station office. We’re taking it later today.”

“What is it?” I said. “What is nan package?”

“Your precocious schoolhouse tennis trophy. We thought you’d want it. Now that you nary longer person a husband. To punctual you: you were erstwhile astatine nan apical of your game.”

“My precocious schoolhouse trophy? But that’s not important! Why were you making it sound urgent?”

In nan infinitesimal that passed I heard a level climb to cruising altitude.

“Sometimes,” my begetter said, “I don’t cognize really to talk to you.”

That afternoon, I wrote and revenge a uncommon affirmative reappraisal (“Inspired soundscape. Terrifyingly real”), but I was coming to nan extremity of something. I’d grown weary of seeking caller sentiment for what was usually accepted and routine. The Cab underlined a disappointment I’d been harboring: Every movie follows nan aforesaid beats. I wasn’t overly critical, I only longed for innovation. This desire compounded a emotion that an important cardinal unit successful nan metropolis that erstwhile loved maine was now indifferent. And really acold we each were from nan forest. We had approximations of it corralled into parks, but they only proved really acold distant we were from nan existent actual. I realized: they’re tricking us. My apparel felt truthful dense I feared I’d collapse. I imagined myself astatine property ninety connected a occurrence escape, trying to artifact nan sound of flushing.

I moved arsenic northbound arsenic 1 tin while still being successful nan metropolis limits, past farther, into nan silent, restless woods. I can’t beryllium nan first to opportunity it: A wood is simply a verb. Whether you’re successful 1 seems based connected whether you’re location aliases only connected nan verge of somewhere. Something regularly shifts retired of sight. I for illustration it: I support moving, too. I americium ever ever-so-slightly beyond my reach.

When did you trim your hair?

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Excerpted from Exit Zero: Stories by Marie-Helene Bertino. Published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Copyright © 2025 by Marie-Helene Bertino. “Every Forest, Every Film” was first published by The Stinging Fly. All authorities reserved.