Dan Gainor: Don’t Dare Say, ‘this Is Sparta,’ And Six Other Foolish Stories From April

Spring has sprung and April was a period marked by out-of-control judges and a leftist writer from nan Nation calling nan U.S. Constitution, "a portion of crap." On nan upside, nan awesome group astatine Caterpillar celebrated their 100th anniversary. (Men emotion building vehicles, truthful writer me.) 

We besides saw a gaggle of celebrated women flying to adjacent abstraction successful nan Blue Origin spaceship. Don’t blasted maine that it became a manner story. Actual New York Times headlines: "Their Space Suit, Their Way" and "Lauren Sánchez teamed up pinch Monse to redesign nan Blue Origin formation suits pinch its all-female motorboat successful mind." There was tons much and, acknowledgment to vocalist Katy Perry, that formation makes an added quality below.

"This is Sparta!"

You’d person to unrecorded disconnected nan grid to person ne'er heard of nan movie "300" aliases Gerard Butler’s celebrated segment wherever he kicks nan Persian ambassador into a monolithic pit pinch a bombastic declaration, "This is Sparta!" (The pit didn’t person guardrails. Ancient Greece predates OSHA.) The somewhat humanities deed meant that men were abruptly reasoning of Rome and Greece. 

The 2006 film, "300," starring Gerard Butler, is simply a fictional retelling of nan Battle of Thermopylae successful ancient Greece, wherever 300 Spartans battled nan Persian army. (Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube Screenshot)

Apparently, that’s conscionable excessively European. So, erstwhile a New York schoolhouse was forced to ditch its Native American mascot, it chose nan Spartans arsenic a replacement, apt because students watched nan film. The Islip Town NAACP president revenge suit because that was each Greek to him. The title accused nan schoolhouse of picking a awesome of "White supremacy" and "male misogynists." Lawyers and Karens are why truthful galore teams person stupid mascot names now. 

BEWARE THE BULLDOZERS OF MARCH DIGGING UP THE MONTH’S 6 CRAZIEST STORIES

Character assassination

Ex-Washington Post newsman Taylor Lorenz was interviewed by CNN "MisinfoNation" big Donie O’Sullivan and it’s difficult to show who did worse. Lorenz rationalized group who support Luigi Mangione, who is accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. She went viral for this epic quote: "Here’s this man who’s a revolutionary, who’s famous, who’s handsome, who’s young, who’s smart, he’s a personification who seems for illustration he’s this morally bully man, which is difficult to find." I almost expected her to commencement performing an updated type of nan meme "song," "I’m looking for a man successful finance…"

And O’Sullivan didn’t bat an eye, alternatively joking that, "Yeah, I conscionable realized women will virtually day an assassin earlier they swipe correct connected me. That’s wherever we’re at." The property that treats each remark connected nan correct for illustration it’s nan extremity times discussing an accused assassin for illustration he’s a people hero. Disgusting? Yes. Surprising? No. 

Space cadets

Jeff Bezos, nan second-richest man connected earth, likes his women spacey – literally. The billionaire proprietor of nan Washington Post and Blue Origin sent his fiancée Lauren Sanchez and 5 different celebrated women into adjacent abstraction successful a cool stunt that Katy Perry did her champion to ruin. The vocalist had vowed to "put nan ‘a--’ successful astronaut" and she surely managed that much. When she landed, she declared, "I consciousness ace connected to love," aft kneeling and kissing nan crushed because she flew successful a rocket for 11 minutes.

KATY PERRY RIDICULED FOR SPACE COSTUME ON LIFETIMES TOUR FOLLOWING BLUE ORIGIN FLIGHT DEBACLE

Her air-headedness generated bipartisan critique. The Atlantic headlined its slam, "The Perfect Pop Star for a Dumb Stunt." The Guardian’s Moira Donegan called it, "the utter conclusion of American feminism." Perry moreover sewage fast-food mockery. Ad Week wrote up how, "Pop Crave announced that ‘Katy Perry has returned from space,’ Wendy’s replied: "Can we nonstop her back." Who knew Wendy’s was that spicey? 

Not nan Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Fans of nan 1984 deed "Ghostbusters," retrieve erstwhile Ray had to take his "form of nan Destructor," he summoned nan Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. That’s because Ray said he was, "something I loved from my childhood." Forty-one years later, kids still emotion marshmallows and, successful that spirit, nan fabulous folks successful Royal Oak, Michigan, clasp a marshmallow driblet each year. For nan kids. (I guarantee nan parents bask this conscionable arsenic much.) Helicopters driblet mountains of marshmallows, and nan kids prime them up to waste and acquisition them successful for prize bags. The choppers rained down 15,000 marshmallows successful all. Now, personification needs a elephantine cup of basking cocoa to spell pinch it.

Dan Aykroyd played Ray, who summoned nan Stay Puft Marshmallow Man successful "Ghostbusters." (Robin Platzer/Getty Images)

Getting Kneecapped

Organizers of nan annual performance fest Coachella were allegedly "blindsided" erstwhile a set named aft a convulsive enactment by nan IRA (The Irish one, not your retirement.) took nan broadside of Palestinian terrorists. The obscure Irish set Kneecap declared "F--- Israel, Free Palestine" successful large bold letters during their set. According to nan BBC, "Their sanction is derived from alleged kneecapping - wherever young group are changeable successful nan legs by paramilitaries successful statement and loyalist communities successful Northern Ireland."

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The Coachella incident caused group to do a small digging connected nan band. According to GBN from nan U.K., "Footage emerged earlier this week from a 2024 gig showing 1 set personnel apparently shouting ‘up Hamas, up Hezbollah’ while draped successful nan panic organisation's flag." I americium shocked that gambling is going connected successful this casino.

Making a monkey retired of nan law

This month’s wide outrage is nan PETA people suing for nan First Amendment authorities of monkeys. (I could constitute this full file astir PETA but that’s not bully for my health.) PETA’s ineligible lunacy stems from their interest "about macaques and their communications, including circumstantial penetration into Beamish, Sam Smith, Nick Nack, and Guinness." 

According to PETA, "No suit has ever tried to enforce nan law correct to person communications from animals who are undoubtedly consenting speakers." Maybe personification could conscionable show them a mates Dr. Doolittle movies and they’d spell away. If not, possibly we tin prosecute Nick Nack to tally to Peta. It would astir apt beryllium much rational.

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Liberals emotion cleanable energy

Amid nan left’s anti-Tesla madness, nan Washington Post ran this story: "Clean power exec, ex-federal worker charged pinch defacing Tesla vehicles." That’s right, Justin and Emily Fisher were charged pinch "defacing backstage property, constabulary said successful a statement," according to nan Post. But here’s nan champion part, "Emily Fisher is listed successful a curriculum vitae posted connected nan website of nan nonprofit Smart Electric Power Alliance arsenic its main strategy officer."

Yep, a apical exec for a smart powerfulness statement was accused of vandalizing Teslas, which are electrical vehicles. If true, that’s hardly smart. The confederation represents immoderate of nan biggest names successful energy. Her sanction isn’t connected their website now, but she still lists nan occupation connected LinkedIn. Just retrieve that nan adjacent clip ambiance weenies declare to attraction astir Gaia aliases Mother Nature.

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